Red Pumps, Mini Dresses, and Boy Bands! Oh My!
by constantlydreaming
Summary: Follow a modern Dorothy through her adventure in the land of Oz. Attempt at comedy. You were warned. Rated T for language.
1. Loco, We're Not In Malibu Anymore!

**Welcome to my second story!**

**LOVE IT!**

**No, it's okay. You don't have to. :)**

**This one's dedicated to one of my best friends, Grace!**

**She came up with the idea and I'm totally grateful!**

**(Kind of a short beginning. Sorry.)**

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**I slammed the front door behind me and leaned against it, breathing heavily, my head swimming. I looked out the peephole. Nothing but the front porch and the gentle fall breeze, making the delicate petals of the wilting orchids resting on the steps quiver.

_Yip! Yip yip! Yap yap!_

I looked down at Sofie and smiled.

"We lost her, puppy! She won't bother you any more!" She panted and I ran my fingers through the fur on the top of her head. What a cutie.

"Woof!" Mate barked, jealously. I laughed as Roadie, Loco, and Tex ran into the room as well and jumped on me.

I lay on the hall floor with my dogs and kissed them each, petting them, and scratching behind their ears.

"Miley," Daddy said, coming into the hall and crossing his arms. "You were supposed to be changed by now."

I looked up and examined his outfit. White puffy shirt, black pants, sword, bandana.

"Are you a pirate or a hillbilly?" I asked. He rolled his eyes and pulled my up off the floor.

"Go get dressed. If you're not done in five minutes, we'll just meet you there."

"Well, I guess I'll just meet you there then."

"Okay great." He kissed my forehead and grabbed the keys off the counter. "Hey, just because it's Halloween doesn't mean you can act like a witch to Selena tonight, alright?"

"But what if I dressed like one?" I asked.

"Miley," he said in that tone of voice he uses when we both know I'm doing something wrong. I sighed.

"I know. I'm sorry. I'll try to be nice."

"Honey, I know it's hard. But think of all those kids out there that think you're both great. Would you want them to pick sides?"

"No," I sighed. He squeezed my shoulder and followed Noah out the door. I stuck my tongue out at where he'd been standing. "Stupid Selena," I pouted, stomping up the stairs.

A half hour later, I was trying to get Loco to stay in the basket that went with my costume.

"Come on, puppy!" I coaxed, holding a treat under her nose, then dropping it into the basket. She jumped in after it and I lifted the basket. "Ha! Gotcha!" She yipped and I kissed the top of her head. "Silly puppy."

I turned to the mirror and examined my short blue and white checkered dress, the knee high white socks, and the blue bows holding my hair in two pony tails that spilled out across my shoulders. It had to be said; I looked hot.

I tilted my head to the side. "It's a real good thing this party won't be public," I said to myself, thinking of the other suggestive costumes we were all putting on as jokes. "Otherwise we'd all be dead."

I hoisted the basket to the other arm. "C'mon 'Toto.' We have a party to get to."

I walked down to the living room, wondering what the hell were the bumps and bangs that kept sounding. After inspecting the house and finding nothing, the noises stopped. I shrugged.

"Puppies! I'm going!" There wasn't the usual barking or the clicking of their claws on the floor, but that didn't matter. They were probably outside anyway.

"C'mon, Loco." I dropped a treats bag into the basket and proceeded to the front door. I pulled on the knob, but the door wouldn't budge. "Weird." I checked the bolt. It was unlocked. I tried the door again. It opened.

"Oh...my...God..."

My entire front yard was gone. The green lawn had been replaced by oversized bushes and flowers that looked glass. The slate walkway was now a cobblestone path. I stepped out past the glass plants and discovered an entire village. But, the buildings were...child sized.

There was a platform to my right and posters plastered everywhere, TOWN MEETING and today's date printed in large letters across each page. Something felt uneven beneath my foot. I looked down and saw a stack of flyers. KILL THE WITCH!

I stepped around more flyers and began to step backwards, towards the safety of my own home.

Loco barked in my arms and I looked up, startled.

A pink bubble began to float down from the sky. I backed up farther and before long, there was a young woman in a huge sparkly gown standing in front of me. She held a star tipped wand and donned a tiara on her head.

"Oh hell."


	2. Follow the Yellow Cobblestone Road!

**Disclaimer; I own nothing**

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**"You don't like it?" the girl asked, touching her diamond tiara with one dainty hand, and smoothing out her skirt with the other. I looked her up and down again. Here's the description from bottom, up.

Her feet were dressed in pink strappy heels, and her toes were poking out, each decorated with a sparkly magenta shade. Her legs were baby smooth and bare up to her knees, where the hem of her gown began to shield her thighs.

It was somewhat of a party dress. The skirt was very tutu-like, the material layered, light, and flowing. It gathered at her waist, where a jewel studded belt hid the seam, resting on her hips.

The bodice cut closely, complimenting her body and hugging her in all the right places. Glitter bedazzled the material, and gave the piece a very feminine flair. As if it needed it.

Glitter dust was sprinkled across her bare shoulders and her waterfall of dark, wavy locks spilled in front and behind them.

Her make up consisted of pink, pink, and more pink, her full lips glossy, and her dark eyes sparkling.

The tiara was nestled on top of her head, delicate as snowflakes and gorgeous as the sparkling seas.

Her right arm moved gracefully before her as she examined her diamond studded star tipped wand, it's staff the length of her chest to her feet. I couldn't help but notice that her fingernails matched her toes.

I continued to stare blankly at her while she rechecked the outfit.

"I thought it was wonderful," she said softly to herself. Then she looked up and the dazzling white smile appeared once more. "No matter! I can always change! Now, cool or evil?"

I blinked a few times. "Excuse me?"

"I said, cool or evil?"

I continued to stare, then backed up a few paces. "Why the hell are you here?"

She laughed, her voice tinkling bells. "I'm here because the Munchkins called me!"

"The who?"

"The Munchkins," she repeated, flashing that smile again.

"What the hell are Munchkins?"

"The little people that live here, silly girl! In Munchkin Land!"

"Who-dee where?" I asked, in disbelief.

"Munchkin Land! The Munchkins called me here because they told me that a new witch has just crushed the Wicked Witch of the East with a house! There's the house, here's you, and there's what remains of the Wicked Witch of the East!"

She motioned with her wand and I turned to see my house resting upon knee high black and white stripped socks, dressed in red pumps. I felt my eyes widen and my face flush.

"So, the Munchkins asked me to ask you whether you are a cool witch or an evil witch. And I was like, 'Sure why not?' And they were like, 'Oh thank you, Glinda!' And I was like, 'You're welcome little Munchkins!'"

I shook my head, trying to clear my mind. Munchkins...witches...Glinda?

"What the hell kind of sick joke is this?" I demanded, jabbing my finger at her. She stepped back.

"What is your name, witch?" she asked.

"You know very well who I am, _Selena_! Don't be pulling this _Glinda_ crap on me, 'cause I'm in no mood! I'm over it, okay? I don't care! You can have him! I'm just sick of this goddamn fighting! So, leave me alone, and everything will be fine and dandy! Capisce?"

"I will have you know that I've never heard of this Selena you speak of, but she sounds perfectly lovely!" she kept playing. I rolled my eyes.

"Give it up, Sel. I refuse to play this game with you!"

"What game? Just tell me whether you are cool or not!"

"I'm fine, okay? Look, this is ridiculous! I didn't kill anyone and-" I suddenly noticed that my basket was very light. I looked down to find it empty. "Loco!" I yelled, breaking into a desperate search.

"Who the hell is Loco?" Selena demanded, glancing around.

"My dog! Loco?"

I heard a faint yapping, and rushed towards it. I found Loco in the arms of a little person.

"Thank you so much!" I said, reaching out to grab my beloved puppy. The person didn't stir. "May I have my dog, please?"

"Cool?" he asked. I rolled my eyes and threw up my hands.

"Yeah, sure! Whatever! Can I just please have my dog?"

The little person handed Loco to me, then turned and shouted in rejoice.

"The witch is cool! The Wicked Witch is gone for good!"

An earsplitting cheer sounded as a flood of small people poured into the street. They tugged at my dress and kissed my hands and pulled me up to the platform where Selena was now standing, a wide grin on her face.

When the crowd had calmed she turned to me.

"The Munchkins are ever so grateful, Witch..."

"Miley," I answered, deciding to play along.

"Witch Miley," she smiled, then turned to the village. "Citizens of Munchkin Land! The Wicked Old Witch is dead!"

Another loud cheer. I scanned the world around me, confused, horrified, and amused at the same time. This was weird for sure. And I wasn't happy about Selena being the good witch, but I supposed it could be fun, if I played my cards right. Maybe I could even jazz it all up! You know, Miley-fy it!

While I was thinking this, a smile had spread across my face, and Loco had grown quiet, panting, tongue out, happily.

Then, just as I was getting used to the idea of playing Dorothy in Oz, they all broke into song. However, the beat was a little different than I'd remembered.

"Ding dong the witch is dead!  
Which, old witch? The wicked witch!  
Ding dong, the wicked witch is dead!"

"Oh God."

Selena, I mean, _Glinda_, giggled and began to move her wand as a baton, conducting the village in song and dance. They performed a song at least four freaking minutes long! Dancing and singing and offering me flowers and sweets. Not to say that I didn't mind. I liked my candy.

When they were finished, Selena led me over to the center of the street.

"Now, I have important things to attend to, but you wish to go home, do you not?"

"Yes," I replied, wondering where the Wicked Witch of the West was.

"Wonderful. Just go and visit the Wizard of Oz, and ask him. Tell him Glinda sent you and he should grant any wish that you may have." I nodded, thoughtfully.

"How do I get there?"

"Follow the yellow cobblestone road."

"Cobblestone?"

"Yes of course! What did you think the road would be made of? Bricks?" She laughed and the whole village laughed with her. I raised my eyebrows.

"Silly me."

"Oh! May I ask you something, Witch Miley?"

"Shoot."

"Would you keep the treasured shoes safe from the Wicked Witch of the West?"

"What do I have to do?" I asked, grinning ear to ear. She shrugged.

"Wear them, of course."

"Okay!" I agreed easily.

She waved her wand down by my feet and they began to tingle. I allowed my eyes to follow the star. My black flats were still on my feet.

I sighed. She shrugged, pouting, a little frustrated.

I watched a Munchkin walk over to my house and reach under the porch, the socked feet jerking away from his touch. He grabbed the shoes and came back, placing them at my feet.

I thanked him and slipped off my flats, shoving my feet into the ruby colored pumps, a bow decorating the top, a small hole in the toe allowing a peek at my foot. I wiggled my feet around impatiently. A size too small I concluded.

"Dammit."

I looked back up, about to say thanks, when I realized that the pink bubble was already growing smaller with distance.

"Hopefully won't have to see her anytime soon," I admitted allowed. "Talk about awkward."

The Munchkins ignored my remark, awaiting their cue to begin singing "You're Off To See The Wizard." I giggled and began my journey down the yellow cobblestone road.

I heard voices, one by one, join together and create a melody.

"Follow the yellow cobblestone road!" I heard someone yell out.

"Will do!" I called back.

Soon, the familiar words came from the mouths of the little people, whom I'd realized were dressed as modern pedestrians. The tempo and melody changed, though, making the song, catchy, and a little too bubblegum pop for my liking. But it was new, and I was intoxicated with whatever the hell Ozians breathe instead of oxygen, so I was okay with it.

I left the village behind, a hundred little voices trailing after me, singing and hollering their goodbyes. I giggled and practiced my skipping, racking my brain to remember what happens next and cursing the invention of goddamn blisters!


	3. If I Only Had A Video Camera!

**Disclaimer; I own nothing**

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**A little way down the road, I ran into a cornfield. I mean that literally. One minute I was walking down the road, the next I'm surrounded by ears. No, again, really. Ears of corn that looked like actual human ears. But...bigger.

Loco began to nip at my wrist gently.

"It's vegetables, Loco," I said as small red scratches appeared. She stopped. I giggled and set her down, then looked around me once more. "This place is ridiculous."

"You're tellin' me!" came a voice.

I whipped around.

"Okay! Which one of you Munchkins followed me?"

"Munchkins? Where?" said the voice again.

I spun on my heel, full circle, surveying the field.

"Who are you?" I demanded.

"That depends. Who do you want me to be?"

I rolled my eyes and folded my arms across my chest.

"What is with you people and all of these stupid questions?" I sighed, annoyed. "Where'd the road go?"

"Which road?"

"What do you mean, which road? There's only one!"

"I suppose... Unless you count each side of the fork to be a different road."

I fought through the ears until I caught a glimpse of yellow. I made my way toward it, then was suddenly falling as I realized I'd lost my footing.

I yelled and tumbled, rolling head over heels, until I was on my stomach, cheek pressed against the stones. I groaned and Loco yapped, running up to lick my face.

"Whoa!" came the voice again. "You couldn't find a shorter skirt could you?"

I gasped and jerked up, yanking at my dress.

"Don't worry," the voice assured me. "I didn't see anything besides blue satin."

I flushed pink remembering the color of my underwear and hoped to God that he meant my dress.

I slowly raised my eyes and then gasped again.

There was a man on a pole! Holy hell, there was a man on a pole!

He was wearing jean overalls over a red shirt, working gloves and a wide straw hat. Messy stitching held it all together and his boots were, ridiculously, sewn to his pants. He had a tan, stringy substance poking out of his pockets, shirtsleeves, and hat.

"Holy shit," I whispered. "Joe's a scarecrow!"

"Joe? Who's Joe?" he asked, playing the same game Selena had. I shook my head, not wanting to go through this again and rose to my feet.

"Hello," I said cautiously, coming closer.

"Hi."

"Do you want help?"

"With what?"

"Getting down off that pole."

"You would do that?"

"If I didn't, I'm pretty sure I'd never get home." He looked confused.

"What?"

"Nothing," I replied, shaking my head and moving around to his back. I bent the nail there like in the movie, but nothing happened. "Well, what in same-?"

"You got a pick?" came from the front.

"Uh...no?"

I watched his shoulders raise and then drop as he shrugged.

"Okay. I'll just use my fingers."

"On what?" I asked just before he jumped down, tumbling onto the road as I had and jumping to his feet again in three seconds flat. I walked out to the curb again to see him better. He was holding an electric guitar. "Oh boy."

"I wish I had a brain," he said. "I would've gotten down a lot faster."

"Oh no."

He picked a few notes easily, then began to play a familiar tune, with a bit of an edge to it. Then he opened his mouth.

"I could while away the hours  
Confer with the flowers  
Consult with the rain..."

"Oh jeez," I said softly, smiling despite myself.

When he finished up, he spun quickly, and the guitar vanished from his hands. I blinked and stepped back. Then laughed and applauded. He bowed.

"Thank you! Thank you! I love you, too!" he said, dramatically, kissing his fingers and waving them at me. I giggled and took his arm.

"Come on." I began to drag him down the road when he started to skip. I pulled him back and he looked at me, questioning. "No."

"Please tell me those trees aren't going to throw apples at us!" I said, as an orchard came into view. Joe, sorry, _Scarecrow_ shrugged.

"They're Granny Smith," he said, simply. "They'll be cranky. Just don't wake 'em."

But, of course, my heels clicked against the stone loudly and Loco began to yip annoyingly, so they roused.

"Git outta my yard!" one screamed in a horrible, hoarse voice. I sped up the pace as another wound up to chuck an apple at us. Scarecrow Joe followed suit and Loco ran as quickly as her little legs could carry her.

I tripped again.

"Ah!" I yelled. "What is it with all these stupid loose stones and slippery hills and raised roots!"

I rose to my hands and knees, then flinched when I hit my head on something. I rubbed where it hurt, stood more carefully, and my eyes widened. I felt my jaw hit the floor and then did a double take, just to make sure.

It was Nick, dammit! His skin was silver and he was dressed like a robot! Minus the buttons, lights and antennas. Even his hair was slicked back and metal looking. That's impressive, that is.

His jaw tensed and a mumble escaped his throat.

"What did he say?" Scarecrow Joe asked, leaning closer to him.

"I have no idea."

Nick made the sound again and Scarecrow Joe looked as if he'd found the cure for cancer.

"He said 'Oil can!'" he shouted, joyfully. He grabbed one and oiled Nick's mouth and jaw. I laughed at his first words.

"No I didn't, you idiot! I said 'Get off my foot!'"

Scarecrow Joe looked down and flushed pink. His boot was on Nick's... well whatever that was. He stepped back and handed me the oil can. I greased him up until he could move with ease, then bit my lip, wondering what he'd say.

I found out within the next couple of seconds.

"Who the hell are you?" he asked, examining me. I sighed.

"I'm Miley. Your-" I stopped myself. He waited. "You're so ungrateful!" I covered. "We relaxed you from that pose and all you can say is 'Get off my foot' and 'Who the hell are you?' God! It's as if you have not heart at all!"

I clapped a hand over my mouth as son as I said it. Nick nodded.

"You're right, I don't. But is that _my_ fault? No!" He motioned for us to sit. We did, my hand still glued to my mouth. He sat on a stump across from us and turned to his left, facing an oddly shaped boulder.

"Oh, shit, it's a piano," I muttered to myself, regretting yelling at him.

"Listen," Nick instructed, having already begun that familiar tune again.

"When a man's an empty kettle  
He should be on his mettle  
And yet I'm torn apart..."

We walked cautiously through the forest, arm in arm.

"If an ear of corn sprouts out of the ground or a tree starts throwing apples again, I'm gonna scream," I warned. "What do you think lives in this forest?"

"Goats?" Scarecrow Joe asked, shaking.

"Nah," Tin Nick said, clearly not phased at all by this. "Probably just-"

"Lions and tigers and bears?" I guessed. He looked at me as if I were crazy.

"No! Squirrels and chipmunks and ducks!"

"Squirrels and chipmunks?" Scarecrow Joe repeated, trembling.

"And ducks," Tin Nick added.

"Oh my!"

I rolled my eyes.

"Squirrels and chipmunks and ducks are cute, not dangerous!"

"You're crazy!" Scarecrow Joe yelled.

"You just noticed?" Tin Nick said. I glared at him.

"You're sweeter in real life," I spat. He shot me a look and I moved to the other side of Scarecrow Joe, feeling a little hurt, I'll admit. He pat my hand and pulled me to his side.

"It's okay, I won't let them hurt you," he assured me, though he was shaking uncontrollably, himself. I smiled.

"Thanks."

Up ahead I saw a figure crouched on the side of the road. Scarecrow Joe jumped.

"It's a chipmunk!" he screamed, using me as a human shield.

"No it isn't," I assured him, "It's just a lion." It took me a second. "Holy crap, it's a lion!"

I leaped behind Scarecrow Joe and shoved Tin Nick to the front.

"It's just a lion, Miley," they said in unison. We crept closer and then I saw that it was curled up in a ball and weeping.

"What happened to you?" Tin Nick asked, heartless as he was. The lion raised his head.

"Oh, of course it's Kevin. How did I not see this coming?" I said, frustrated with myself. They all looked at me in confusion, then shook their heads, ignoring me.

"I just saw a lion!" Kevin cried, his chin trembling.

"Where?" Scarecrow Joe asked, looking around. Kevin pointed to a nearby stream, his lip quivering, then covered his head with his arms.

"That was your reflection, you bozo!" Tin Nick scoffed. I glared at him, then let Kevin dab his eyes with my handkerchief. He thanked me, then stood, joining our line of linked arms, and began to step in rhythm, the rest of us following suit, as I braced myself for another song.

"It's sad, believe me, Missy  
When you're born to be a sissy  
Without the vim and verve..."

I kissed his cheek at the end of the song. "Come on, we'll get you some courage," I said, playing my role. He grinned at me and raised his leg to skip. Tin Nick and Scarecrow Joe ran to stop him, eyeing me to see how annoyed I was with this.

I laughed, took their arms again and pointed my toes.

"Ohhhhh," I started. They grinned and joined in. We skipped.

"We're off to see the wizard  
The Wonderful Wizard of Oz  
We hear he is a wiz of a wiz  
If ever a wiz there was  
If ever oh ever a wiz there was  
The Wizard of Oz is one because  
Because, because, because, because, becaaauuuse  
Because of the wonderful things he does  
We're off to see the wizard  
The Wonderful Wizard of Oz!"

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